Twins, Gods way of saying “One of you is a rough draft!”
Tony The Skinny Tuna, identical twin to Carmelo No Curls. When I say identical… yes the package is the exact same, but the motion in the ocean moves a little differently. We will get to all those juicy details in a minute.
Tony was very quiet so getting to know him was a bit of a challenge. Having to sneak around behind Carmelo No Curls back is what intrigued me the most and that his own brother was ready to stab him in the back. Talk about blood brothers. In all honesty we only snuck around for like a week and finally Tony The Skinny Tuna caved in and told Carmelo everything. Well almost everything. It went a little something like this…
Tony: I just told Carmelo everything!
Ash: What the f*ck?
Tony: Well almost everything.
Carmelo: Ashley, you just ruined everything about us!
Ash: Carmelo there is no us if you don’t remember. You been sleeping with half of Texas and if I ruined tell me how?
Carmelo: Did you have sex with my brother?
Ash: ……… hell yeah I did and more than once! (Laughing in my Ursula voice) How was I supposed to know Tony was gonna blurt this out at family dinner?
Carmelo: I gave you a necklace.
Ash: Oh that piece of shit your mom made? Yeah it’s in the trash.
Carmelo: I never want to see you again!
Ash: Bye hoe.
Tony: I’m sorry for telling I just couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.
Ash: what are you a vagina? Jesus! It’s done and now he knows oh well!
This is how it all started and it only gets better.
Tony The Skinny Tuna and I go on dates, actual dates not just here’s my bedroom wanna bang screw? “All I wanna do is bang screw” ahhh you know the song! So to let you completely understand my and Tony’s relationship I have to give you a story of how he met BILL. Yes my dear ole dad! Dad doesn’t like many people, especially people who don’t wear cowboy boots. After a 50th birthday celebration for the Step Monster we all have family Sunday breakfast. Sisters are in town we all gather at dads house and Tony The Skinny Tuna couldn’t have been more uncomfortable or out of place as he did in this moment. The one and only thing dad says about the poor guy is “He has f*cking ugly shoes!” (Skinny Italian pointed toe slippers) This is real life people. I can’t make this shit up if I tried. Me being the a**hole I am all I could do was laugh and agree with dad. Doomed from the beginning.
In the meantime I enjoy spending time with Tony The Skinny Tuna but he always showed some signs of being a little weird and when I say weird, shit got real weird, real fast. Tony had a boss who was gay. No problem to me I love gay people. So that wasn’t the issue, but their relationship was strange AF! One time Tony The Skinny Tuna and I were watching tv in bed and Stan (the boss) sent me a Snapchat of his partners naked a**. I just laughed it off and thought hey he does have a nice a**. Tony laughed and said “Take a picture of my ass and send it back.” Have you ever been in a situation and thought this is some bazar shit, but I’m gonna do it anyway? Well I took the damn picture of his ass and sent it anyway.
A couple weeks later Tony The Skinny Tuna and I had been out and had some drinks. We get back to my place and start fooling around and this is when it all took a turning point. In the middle of sex he ask me “would you want to do a threesome?” I reply “it depends on who with” just to see what he would say cause by this point I have my suspicions. Low and behold he wants to have a threesome with me and his boss Stan! So completely thrown off I immediately stop in the middle of sex and I am confused. My head is spinning and it wasn’t from the drinks. I did the only thing I could think of and that was talk!
Ash: You want to have a threesome with me and Stan?
Ash: Spoiler alert! He doesn’t like women. So your gay boss Stan is going to F*ck you and you are going to f*ck me?
Tony: yeah I guess so.
Ash: I just can’t get into it… so that’s a ner for me.
As you can see I was thrown for a loop on this one. I mean I had seen the signs. He wears pink and purple almost everyday, all he talks about is Stan and anal sex, I took a picture of his ass and sent it to Stan! There was only one thing left to do…. break out B.O.B. And tell him to bend over to see if he likes it in the ass. Tony of course turns my offer down. Needless to say we didn’t work out very long! Tony still won’t admit to being gay or Bi-sexual. I asked many times, but all I can think of when I think of Tony The Skinny Tuna is how my dad said he has f*cking ugly shoes and how I should Have Swiped Left!