Erectile Dysfunction


pexels-photo-321551.jpeg“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh word. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”


Three things in life I need to keep me satisfied. Sex, money, and food! Okay, okay, maybe four things. Alcohol! I feel like it’s pretty standard for any single female and male. Being single is great when you get those four things you need. So when you suck at providing one of those. “Houston, we have a problem!” Online dating ain’t for the faint of heart.  Which brings me to Ed aka sleepy peepee.

To anyone who online dates, you know it’s all about swiping left or right. Swipe left for no and swipe right for yes to match. Bet you can guess who didn’t win the lottery that day? Yep that’s right, me! Ed was swipe right worthy. Early 30’s, blonde, decent job, vehicle, house, and great taste in music. What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you!

Ed lives in a neighboring town, so we decide to meet in the middle at a bar and grill. I’m already three beers deep before I even go. You know first meet nerves. Had to work out some kinks. I meet Ed in the parking lot. He looks just like his pictures just as I described. He should have just came with a disclaimer…. skinny jeans! We all have our flaws. I’m by no means perfect I’m loud, drink too much, smoke, curse like a sailor, chunky, I get it. But skinny jeans? Come on. Still cringing thinking about it. It’s what my nightmares are made of. Skinny jeans, Danny Devito, and vomit! Thank God for those three beers. I was able to keep a straight face. We go in order drinks, We order food and continue with drinks! The Night is still young so we bar hop. This is where it all gets a little fuzzy.

Somehow I end up back at Ed’s place…. well I know how. My own free will and once again thank you alcohol. Inebriation can be a real bitch, she’s a lot like karma. Alright we’re doing this as in we’re I mean me. It stood up then went back down. Sleepy peepee stood up again and went back down. As soon as you move a pinky that eggplant went night night. We played cat and mouse for a good minute. Finally I was so tired of chasing sleepy peepee around I finally gave up and went to sleep. Thinking maybe we will try again later?

Its morning, so we try again. Can’t blame it on “whiskey dick”.  Finally I’m just convinced it’s me. So I asked. “What’s the deal here?” I wish I was making this up! Ed says. “Why don’t you suck it?” Been there, done that bro, your shit don’t work! Appalled, I said the first thing that came to mind. “You have two hands get after it bro!” Stood up and walked right out the front door. At 26 years old I feel like I have experienced some pretty life altering situations. Nothing and I mean nothing had ever prepared me for E.D.